Nuking Unhealthy language, get your comeback ready: Reviewing the reviewer

Absolutes, preached as gospel, still pushes my buttons. Unhealthy language easily spills over into other parts of our lives if left unchecked. 

A review of Julian Lennon’s debut album, Valotte sparked these thoughts.

First, let’s roll with an contextual digression to anchor the main thing:
Years ago, among petrolheads and a freelance car reviewer, I provocatively claimed that reviewers were something like parasites, forced to lean on existing concepts while pretending to offer fresh insight. It sparked a fierce debate, leading us to ask: is there a universal metric for whether a car is “good”? Yes, plenty, but only if you define them clearly. A car can excel in quarter-mile times, track performance, or fuel economy; those are measurable. The real divide comes with design aesthetics, which often have little to do with pure utility.

Shift that thinking to music, and the problem intensifies. There’s no universal metric for whether a piece or album is good. Taste is shaped by culture, upbringing, and personal history. In a diverse country like mine, it’s easy to dismiss music simply because its rhythm, tonality, or texture feels foreign.

So where do you draw the line? You don’t.

I’ve never seen music as a competition. Approached openly, it can be a universal language that connects people, if we’re mature enough to say, “This is stirring, emotional, visceral… even if it doesn’t speak to me personally.”

That leaves reviewers in an odd spot. Their main value, I think, is sparking discussion and fresh thought. I’ve loved albums that reviewers trashed, and wondered if we’d even heard the same thing.

This particular Julian Lennon album isn’t among my all-time favourites, but the title track hit me hard during a rough period. I still enjoy it.

What I’ll always criticise in reviews is lazy, harmful language: blanket terms like “terrible” or “the worst” with nothing to back them up. Even this, gleaned directly from the archives of our rock-professor : “Valotte is an incredibly bland, boring album.” And the tired fallacy that Julian only succeeded because of his surname? Laughable and indefensible.

So yes, I’d rate that review 3/10 for objectivity. Strip out the unsubstantiated slams and you’re left with an opinion piece that’s entertaining. Everyone’s entitled to an opinion, but opinions still carry responsibility.

In real life, when someone casually trashes something you like, try one of these:

Let’s pop into LinkedIn mode:

“So it didn’t work for you. What do you think it was trying to do?”

“When you say ‘terrible,’ what specifically broke for you?”

“Are you describing the work, or your reaction to it?”

“Ah. So the album committed the crime of not consulting your preferences first.”