What if I told you that you don’t deserve respect? — Unlearning and survival.

What if I told you that you don’t deserve any respect? But wait, I could even say, “Nobody deserves respect.”

I can imagine being hit by that avalanche of indignance and outrage If I wrote it as a comment on someone’s social media post.

Here is where I will rewind.
I was told that (almost) exact line once: “Here you don’t deserve anything, you don’t deserve respect. You will have no rights!” (Ok, I’m conflating the issue here by chucking in “rights,” but bear with me!) So, whatever I tell you, it’s something I experienced as well.

Context is important. Very important.
Every single day, I watch how people online, and in the offline world, react without getting the “full story.”
Yeah, I once stirred the pot on social media with the words, “Respect might be earned, but not deserved.” You guessed it, I was pummeled into submission by overwhelming force.
That’s a lesson for another day. Stay away from comments. You can’t scream back at the avalanche. There is no reasoning with a flood, which is a cool analogy for a mob!

The takeaway, however, is that nobody, no, not a single person asked me to explain, or asked for some context. The reactions were almost raw and primal. Therein lies yet another lesson for another point in time.

Words create worlds, and they also create prisons. Words have power. We comment everywhere, saying what we wish, without always realizing the harm we can do.
But conversely, if we can debate and deconstruct the ideas we have with civility, courtesy and an inkling of humanity, tied together with authenticity, I believe we can be “OK.”
My take is, we owe it to ourselves to investigate the words and phrases that have been served to us without any intent of re-examining them at some point for relevance, and meaning. Escape the prison of “the cliche proposed as universal truth!”

This brings me back to the pimply-faced corporal who told me, “Here you won’t deserve any respect.” Now to that point, he was pimply because he was still a teenager.  There is no condescension in the mention, just fact. He was, like me, thrust into a reality he wasn’t really prepared for.
But to this day, the idea of unlearning certain things stuck with me. And some of it started there, in the sweltering heat of the desert.
And even though the corporal was merely reciting the training he received, I began questioning my initial outrage. I graduated from university, surely I deserved some respect?

One dictionary definition for respect hinges on the idea of “deep admiration, or esteem for someone, or something.”
Within that context, the corporal’s words made sense.
Nobody in that world had any inclination to admire new recruits, or hold them in high-regard.
They, “the authorities” were civil to us at times, they fed us, gave us ammunition, sometimes there were some kind words, but we never felt admired, or respected.

So next time, you hear the words, “You won’t get any respect from me,” ask questions! Well yeah, it’s tough, I know, but we are trying to be practical, aren’t we? Respect is often so abstract I like to break it up into bite-sized questions.

1. Who are they, do these people, or does this person have any relevance in my life?
2. Did I do something to elicit disrespect?
3. Are they maybe confusing “respect” with “civility, and courtesy?” Simple good manners, yeah?
4. Do they mean it, really deeply adhering to it, or are they just mouthing off, like so many people do?
5. And lastly, what do you do? Do you fight back with all your might, or go the route that few travel, by asking, “Ok, fair enough, tell me why you say that? Explain it to me!” Few things are as valuable as not only defending your position, but instead lobbying the proverbial grenade back to the one who launched the attack, or the perceived attack. Allow them to figure out what they thought they had said to you!

Respect will remain a complicated construct.
But wait until we get to “equality,” and “rights.”

I have waded through many places where I saddled myself with so much guilt for not “respecting” people as I was led to believe I had to.
But in my reality, I could not bring myself to respect, or conversely, “deeply admire” what they did, in any context.

Unlearning is about discarding what you thought you knew about something, and it can start by just asking questions. Unlearning helps me get rid of unhealthy cliches.
Doing that can save you a lot of unsubstantiated guilt. Yep, it can create a happier you!
If we always go, “only according to the dictionary,” sure, we will be stuck with a language that does not evolve. And we might sound like AI. However, if there is no reasonable, or agreed-upon meaning we can attach to our words, and communication, we will only subscribe to the defintions of those who manage to scream the loudest.  And that is something I can’t respect. I will question it, and I will get rid of the guilt, and outdated, or irrelevant responses associated with it.

Maybe you don’t want to go around saying, “I don’t respect you,” but starting to break apart, and re-evaluating the words you hear is a starting point for cruising through some scenarios a little bit easier. A simple technique I use is just this, asking, “Can I possibly say this with alternative words?” The corporal, back in that camp, also said this, “You will be recognized for achievements, and performance!” Sounded like corporate right? And never again was “respect” ever mentioned. But we performed, survived, and lived! The “alternative” words made sense back then!

Linguistically & Unlearlingly,
Matt
2025 02 23

Postscript. I don’t remember who is in the photo. But I do remember the dude who took the photo. He was the platoon photographer. I often thought he had it “easier,” as a detached observer of sorts, but he actually never got to express many of his own experiences, because he was always documenting the experiences of others, as unbiased as possible.